cumillionaire: If my jokes offend you: I’m sorry It won’t happen again 1 & 2 are lies You’re a pussy
cleadmau5: larapeople: I just realized that the word bed looks like a bed My brain literally stopped working for a second
sometimes you just need to lay on the floor
tinychatter: imagine reading a book of all the lies you’ve told
poopflow: donuts are 0 calories if you only eat the middle
If they don’t need you, it’s okay. You do not live for other people.– Kyo (via wolf-cub)
cancune: if a guy stares at ur boobs just stare at his dick maybe squint a little bit
nosdrinker: autocorrect needs to stop capitalizing “omg” i’m not that excited
multipack: sorry but i think we should break up, it’s not you it’s-a-me mario
I once dated a writer and
natashanicole88: Writers are forgetful, but they remember everything. They forget appointments and anniversaries, but remember what you wore, how you smelled, on your first date… They remember every story you’ve ever told them - like ever, but forget what you’ve just said. They don’t remember to water the plants or take out the trash, but they don’t forget how to make you laugh. ...
me: hi i'd like to order sweet and sour chicken, some beef frie-
chinese restaurant: do u want egg roll
me: i didn't even finish my order
chinese restaurant: *to the chef* Zhīfáng měiguó xīwàng dàn juǎn
tennantbutt: tennantbutt: TUMBLR IS DOWN MY ASS i should have used punctuation.